I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
