here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
