I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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