I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
