I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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