Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
