you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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