tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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