I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
