I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Dick very happy bro
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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