Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
