This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I woke up under a house in Key West
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