My Higher Power is John Stamos
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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