Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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