He passed out mid-signature
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I think i got beer on your cat.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
