i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize