we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
