so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
