Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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