nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
