I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
