god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
