Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you inspire me to be a worse person
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
