If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just had sex on a roof
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