I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
