the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize