i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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