you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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