i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
