Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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