I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
