Where are you?
In a non slutty way
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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