it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
