she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
