remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
