I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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