For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
