3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
