i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
