he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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