I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
