she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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