Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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