I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize