A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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