It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
