You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
