Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
