I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize