Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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