Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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