lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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