My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He shit in the fireplace
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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