she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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