just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
