Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
