I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize