I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
