His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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