My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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