when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
